Please be advised that when you are enjoying some well-earned R&R in the good city of Portsmouth there are a few points to keep in mind:
• 90% of the women you will meet are single mothers to at least 5 children and carry most forms of STD.
• Your ship is larger than most of the tower blocks in the city so be mindful of stowaways consisting of said single mothers and children.
• The inhabitants of Portsmouth are not used to seeing more than 2 people at a time with all their teeth so don’t show yours off or you’ll be inviting the ire of the locals.
• If some weasely looking youth approaches you and says “cushty geeza” he’s not a rent boy but one of our local chavs, probably looking for no more than a cigarette from you, so don’t throat punch him or her. They are easily recognized by their uniform of worn Adidas tracksuits and grubby baseball caps. It should be noted the male and female chav dress almost identically.
• There is nothing for sale in the city over a value of £20, so don’t hand over £100 for a bag of chips and a coke. You can buy and sell most people here for a fiver!
Please enjoy your visit and welcome to the sweetest smelling city in Ye Olde England 🙂
Important Message to all US Service Men and Woman on Shore Leave in Portmsouth
